life’s a trip

ahh. as i begin to type this out, my brains jumping to so many different ways of trying to word what's happened to me within the past week. but no combination of words will be able to fully encapsulate all of its glory.

this morning is my first morning and time alone in over a week and i can't help but burst into a bundle of tears for how overwhelmingly grateful and happy i feel. as it's been clear from my instagram, i am just getting home from my week at the infamous wakaan. and i feel fucking different. i'm taking the time to write down all the magic that happened-- yes, real magic-- because i don't want to skip a beat of a detail when i come back to reread this high again.

so it's only fair that i start from the beginning. this post is more for me to look back on and relive my love and memories but y'all get to read it too. i hope by reading this you can get a sense of the life vibration i'm on and take a piece of my energy from it and carry it into your own life in whichever way suits you.

so i'm gonna take it back to last year at wakaan. they say your life changes on that mountain and now without a shadow of a doubt i believe that with my whole chest. i just didn't realize how much weight it held till now.

my life was in a completely different place last year. i was with a different partner, i was living in fort collins alone, working full time for myself for the very first time (i started the rainbow collective and took my first client september 3, 2022), was going through a friendship separation, i wasn't in therapy, my family was in a bit more chaos, and i was unaware of how jumbled i was. wakaan started by me sending my best guy friend at the time (now my current partner Gage) a lineup on instagram to wakaan with no full intentions of making it happen. a few hours passed by and he replied "bag secured x2."

so we were going to wakaan i guess 😂🤞🏼 it was like 4 months out so i kind of pushed it out of my brain and released it for the time being. fast forward and it's about 3 weeks away. i was having inner turmoil because i hadn't moved any of my clients, prepped for a trip, or told my partner i wanted to go. the only reason really is because at the time i truly didn't know if i should go with just my best guy friend and i because i didn't want to make my partner uncomfortable and i truly felt like it was going to take a lot for me to get my shit together and go.

fast forward about a week or two, my partner shared with me he was wanting to travel abroad for a period of time and felt like he needed to do this. i then shared the same about wakaan and we both supported each other in going and doing what we both felt we needed. now, at this time gage truly was my best friend and no thought in my mind had prior surfaced about us being together (this comes back into play). so it was supposed to just be us and a 14 hour road trip and the wonky woods ahead.

long story short we needed a car to get there. that's when our guardian friend comes in. the sweet sweet angel. i'll spare you the backstory details on that situation but him & i and i hadn't seen each other in years due to a prior falling out with an ex friend group and i was uneasy about where we stood with each other. he was going to wakaan and driving out and meeting his girlfriend and her friends at the time. he said he could drive us out and i at the time was upset because i was excited for me and my bestie to have a rage weekend with no limits or people getting in our way. gage assured me we both had grown up and that this would be sick.

and that's exactly what happened. we all hopped in a car full of camping shit and high energy and hit the road. a lot of conversations to and from i will always hold near and dear to my heart. we reconnected, apologized, shared the gaps of history and planned for the future.

when we got to wakaan i was nervous to meet the girls. but then we all linked up and synced up and rode the waves of life all weekend. from start to finish that weekend jump started my life without me consciously realizing it.

as most of you should probably know now i am a huge advocate and fan of psychedelics. and after this weekend i'm going to dedicate a blog post to my stance on it and why i am such a fan. psychedelics are a powerful resource when used properly in the right settings with the right people and the right amounts. i am going to stress POWERFUL RESOURCE WHEN USED PROPERLY. not something to get fucked up off of and go balls to the walls with- that's alcohol or something lmao.

anyways, i personally feel like psychedelics help me rechannel myself to my roots and my core beliefs and my true self. so, as i'm experiencing all of this self reflection and energy and love around me, i became consumed by it. i had an overwhelming emotional outbreak that i eventually pulled my friend rivirr out of the show with me for a sec and literally said "rivirr i can't explain it but i think my life is at a crossroads and it's either going to go one of two ways..." (the two ways are a secret😉). and a year fucking later it ALL. HAPPENED. AND ITS ALL. STILL HAPPENING.

we got home and i knew my life had changed and i had changed but i lost myself in it all when i got home for awhile. unintentionally, but that happens when you retract back to normal life and have to renavigate without a whole community who believes the same thing around you. you have to sift through the shit and remember the things you found within yourself. whether that's at a concert or camping in the woods or a solo journey or even a late night drive. you have to remember the light you find and continue to let it shine. that's something wakaan taught me specifically this year and i will avidly try my best to hold onto it this time.

fast forward to the end of november and early december i was planning to head back to hawaii for a week. at the time my partner was supposed to go with me. (the only reason i am sharing these details is because it truly adds to MY story and how i got here now, this is quite personal). with as little details as i can give, we decided to separate and go through the next chapter alone. it was with best intentions and as much love as possible. i will forever hold a place in my heart for this boy for allowing us both the space to choose ourselves and move forward how we both needed to.

so i hopped on a plane solo and took off to hawaii. this weekend was another vital piece to my story as a lot happened this week. the highlights being

1. i realized i could live in hawaii friends around me or not and still love it for myself and not because i'm there for my friends

2. the energy of hawaii is the energy of festivals and the edm scene- take your time. slow down. be who you want to be and take the time to do it. fuck it. be here now.

3. there's infinite amount of time to figure out who you want to be so don't rush yourself. but you never know when your last tomorrow is so hold today close and shoot for the moon.

while i was in hawaii, the morning of my friends birthday celebration we were supposed to wake up, buy electric forest tickets, and then head to the beach for a 2 day camping celebration with all of her friends. it's fucking crazy as i'm writing this back how many things interlocked and lined up for this moment i'm feeling now.

i've been pushing to get my friend allie into this scene for about two years now and let me tell you i had my work cut out for me in the best way. so when these tickets dropped i was up her butthole to make it happen. coincidentally the power went out on that side of the island that morning and we couldn't buy tickets by the time they sold out. we had woken up at 4am island time and so we went back to bed before heading to the beach.

but when i woke up my life changed without my choice. i woke up to a text message from one of the girls from wakaan saying that our friend who drove us to wakaan had passed and i needed to call gage and let him know. what. the. fuck. so many thoughts went through my head.

am i allowed to be sad because we weren't on good terms for so long? am i allowed to be upset? would he want me to be sad? how do i help my friend who just lost their best friend while i'm with mine waking up on a beach?

my head spun out and that day was both fun and hard at the same time. we all took some mushies and had ourselves a time but there came a point where it was just me on the beach under the moon alone with my thoughts. kinda spooky when you're still in a swimsuit and it hits below freezing in your heart. turns out i was walking around with this confidence the last chapter of my life- that i'm hacking the life cheat codes and figuring it out- but it seems that i wrote the ending of that chapter assuming the pot holes wouldn't affect my journey-- butttt plot twissstttt! lol

figuring out yourself is lonely if i'm honest. "because being as honest as possible with yourself is a cross you bear alone." and holy shit is it uncomfortable. like the worst kind of uncomfy where you don't know how to quite sit with yourself. but at certain points avoidance of self reflection is intentional. and sitting on that beach reaching the depths of hell within myself i fucking found myself and turned that ship heading towards the moonlight.

i spent the rest of that week absorbing all the good around me and figuring out what his life meant to me and what he did for me. and if there's one thing i know for sure it's that he felt the same about me. we reconciled, we laughed, we danced, we forgot the history and planned for the present. we lived in the moment and shared all the love we had. and he would've hugged me and told me to remember those times. those moments. those memories.

so hopping back on my plane i had a lot of deep diving to do and work cut out for me. i wanted a reset and a redirection. my family has extreme health matters that also really fed into this thought of "how much time do we really have. we never fucking know. so take your life by the throat and direct it. i didn't know what i wanted at the time but i knew i wanted more out of life.

skip ahead a few months to late january after the funeral and the rejoining of all the people who loved him it was very evident to me that he was still with us and guiding us to the people we needed to be with. gage and i had not talked about having feelings for each other but i think we both were questioning it at that time. however we both knew we needed each other for more than that at that time.

around this time i met two important people. someone through a work friend who is now my roommate and someone through my people from hawaii in colorado who i ended up spending some time with and had a lot of deep conversations with. with both of them, we talked about life and losing people and had a similar headspaces for "most people make grand plans for life as it passes them by." and it was a weird reminder in my lonely little town of fort collins months after my hawaii headspace breakthrough to remember what i had figured out. forget the past plan for the future and live in the now. my now roommate was in a similar life place wanting more from life and wanting to get out of our little town we had outgrown. between the two of them it refueled my motivation to figure my shit out and chase my dreams honestly.

so i decided i was going to move to hawaii in january and i was going to move down to denver beforehand to be closer to my people, start barbering, and prep for the next stage of what i want my life to look like. but things never go to plan- right??? but this time, it's been in the best way.

once my plan was in motion i took a trip about this time to vegas twice. the first for a hair trip with my mom and the second for fun to meet my friend. both changed my life! the hair class rerouted me to why i love doing hair and inspired me in all the right ways. then two weeks later i flew to meet my bestie girl from hawaii to have a point of connection. at this point in time her and i were in a rough spot and hadn't had much communication since i had left hawaii and had had all of these monumental breakthroughs. i missed my best friend. and so i curated the shit out of this weekend as part of my grand plan to get her to a festival. this was the starting point. recruit recruit recruit. we had an absolute ball of a time starting with landing, going to cirque du Soleil then a pool party the next day followed by another ganja set then staying up all night getting breakfast and going to a 24 hour dispo then taking a nap and parting ways.

we hit it hard. and we experienced magic on that trip that carried the same energy from wakaan and jump started a whole wave to come. we rerooted, danced, laughed, cried, met new friends, experienced the ganja community love, had an absolutely bonkers trip experience where we both had a moment where we KNEW. EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO WORK OUT AND WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY AND BE REUNITED AGAIN. there is a literal video on my instagram of the moment of us bawling our eyes out on the rooftop of a vegas hotel in sheer awe of the magic and confidence of what was to come. i knew i needed to tell gage where i was at, i knew i needed to figure out my career, i knew i needed to move down to denver and i knew i needed to follow this inner angel voice inside my head to follow my gut. then i arrive home. wakaan tickets dropped that tuesday, i got home that tuesday. we all bought our tickets. recruitment checkkkk. ;))

the details of how gage and i ended up together will remain private however the week i got home it all happened just like i felt like it would in the most perfect way it needed to. surrounded by my people with the music carrying us. i am going to do another separate blog post about the edm scene specifically and what it's done for me because i wanna freakin scream it from the rooftops and make it make sense to more people outside of the community. but that'll be a separate time.

fast forward a month we are all in the flow of it all and ganja is that weekend. gage and i talked about how it's so cool that we finally have our people and our group and i literally said "no one could penetrate this friend bubble even if they tried." i has had a hard year with friend breakups and separations that are also private to me and not for public share. but i was hurting for a long time and finally felt like i could take a breath of fresh air again and step into love again. it's funny how when you say things like that life just bitch slaps you and says yeah right sister you thought!!! lolllll. around this time i also experienced another friend break up and really had another slap in the face from life with figuring out who i was and what i needed. my best friend rivvy was moving back to hawaii and i was entering a new loneliness phase. i was trying to figure out who my people were and i was rechanneling this so called energy and trying to find it. another big piece of this was my back piece and going through so much physical pain at the same time i was experiencing life pain but having something beautiful to show for it. i will be doing a seperatw post about that as well- so many posts i'm gonna write lol. but the timing of all of this was important. sooooo

that's where we meet kyle mccune. the infamous kyle mccune. in line on the way into the show. the timing of it was all too freaky to backtrack to but to short story it- fucking wild. he solo sent this show, had never even been to red rocks, seen ganja white night, or even knew any of their music. he was from the middle of nowhere ohio and had only sent one music festival before this as his first edm event- and it was lost lands. if you know you know- lmaoooo! long story short we adopted him and he adopted us. and it's really fucking crazy that his name is kyle and that it just so happened at a ganja curated event at the time it did. a guardian angel sent by our kyle. i remember saying to gage "i have a feeling that kid is going to be around for good". and he has been. :) the third night after the shows he came to hang and we all ended up chatting and he asked us if we were by chance going to electric forest. and by chance, we were but we needed a ride just like we did to wakaan. and our little angel kyle said "well i wanna go but i have to drive cause i'm weird about it so would you guys wanna go with me?"

i'm gonna pause for the magic of that moment. everything falling into place. just how it should. a wise biski once said "when you do nothing, something comes."

so, at the beginning of june i moved to denver, switched my work schedule and got a new job, moved into a townhouse with my new best friend and my two kitties 15 minutes away from my new lover. then 3 weeks later we packed into a car and headed for the forest. this whole month and weekend was start to finish magic too. it was fucking chaos to get there but i'm used to chaos. i've only ever known a life of chaos.

we camped with two boys who we knew through the mountain kids (our friends friends / people we met thru the funeral) kind of not knowing them too well at the time. that weekend turned us into family. electric forest brings the vibes man and we soaked every single one up. i connected with each of my people there and felt myself rise higher into this trip of a life. the music sets were absolutely incredible and the event was yet again curated to perfection. the forest gives what you need not what you want. and it delivered in all the right ways. we all talked about how important our friendships are and how much love we have to give is important to share and spread. and how these music events remind us of who we are and what we're supposed to do. it was truly inspiring.

we got home from forest and then gage and i hit zeds dead that weekend. with our new-ish friend jake from forest. we were row 16 which was the closest we've been in years since it's always full of molly filled children up there 😂 but my good friend cassidy from high school joined us and we ended the night in row 40s with my high school best friend, his girlfriend and crew who i've been friends with for years now. we were still riding the waves. and it felt soooo good. it still does to even remember it.

then a few days later gage and i hopped on a plane to virginia for another ganja curated event at the coliseum. this was our first trip just us two, let alone as a couple, let alone on a plane, let alone out of state! a lot of firsts that i'll always remember and cherish. we hit it hard and pushed it to the limits and dove into each other deeper and the music harder. we came home connected in every way possible.

the next three and past three months have just been whirlwind i think we all have been trying to catch our breaths in. i wrote a blog post about feeling like how sometimes everything you feel like you work for seems to fall apart. i had a blip in my friendships and relationships and plans for this wakaan trip. i had a blip with trying to get into barber school and with feeling like moving to hawaii wasn't the right time right now. i felt like my family health hit another wall we weren't gonna be able to break through. i felt the heaviness of life creep back into me and rattle my insides. so a lot of pressure was riding on wakaan to be perfect and give me everything i needed.

boyyyy did it. from top to bottom, A-Z, start to finish, first second to last, everything was PERRRFECT. i'll do a highlighted bullet point summary of the few days for myself and for you so i don't keep you all reading this book of a post too much longer ;)

the drive to: jake drove with us, all of our shit fit perfectly and we all had everything we needed in the place we needed it. traded off smoothly with driving and all got to point A safely and soundly at about 1130pm into a days inn about 5 minutes away from a walmart. we all ate dinner got cozy got some Zs.

morning of: allie and her mom arrived at about 930 and we had all showered and woken up and got ready by the time she got there. it was the sweetest reunion and i got to see her mom who i love so dearly, too. we talked about damon her step dad and how excited he was for us this weekend. (he's an old wook who did it all and gets it- he's always said if you know you know just never lose your reality snd brooo did that come to fruition this weekend). then we packed her stuff into the car went to walmart got our groceries and then picked up 2 canopies nearby and headed in. i had planned to meet up with some friends (my besties 2 rave rat clients) and we linked with them perfect timing on the way in. we set up camp and everything was set up perfectly and so was theirs. we all planned for a wook secret santa so we pulled out our gifts and exchanged. which is now going to be a new tradition because it was too fun. then we changed clothes pregamed and went in for night 1!

night 1/the preparty. we were front stage right and had our chillbos set up and space to dance. we all had a blast and it finally clicked that we had made it and we were all there- finally. we raged till 3am, set up camp and biski boy rolled in for a good nights rest. we all had a fam sleepover and tried to go to bed until we got into a feud with our cater corner neighbors. long story short rave mom had to give a scolding about mutual respect and we're all here for the love of the music so be kind and be nice and share the love. we finally passed out around 730am. lolllll.

morning 1: we were unpleasantly whipped awake by the blazing heat and all took awhile to find out groove wake up and get ready. we were in a funk from not sleeping and all kinda had to find our bearings after the morning we had. i was able to connect with an old friend from high school and pass on some love and inspo to carry her throughout her weekend. once we all shook out the bad, we finally and grabbed all of our stuff, we headed in. fighting our way back to the groove.

day 1: official day 1 was wild because so many crazy things happened this day and we had to adjust a lot. we started front stage left and ended up seeing the group from last year and parked up next to them. we all settled in and started to ride the wave. i had been saying before i even got there that i was "scared" for truth and the widdler because their music can be hard for me to grab onto at shows and i feel like people get tooooo weird. to be honest to short story it that's exactly what happened and allie and i had to take a walk to the campsite to regroup. we left gage at the stage which was in turn kind of a fatal mistake because rule #1 about shows with your homies, you never leave one behind. lmao. long story short we got back and it took awhile to figure out what was wrong but we needed more space and breathing room and to pull us out of this weird warp trance we were in. so we fell back, sat on the grass and regrouped watching the magic from afar. when biski's little fairy ass came frolicking out and found us on the ground. he basically narrated exactly what happened to us and said "it's crazy up there man we need more space to think to ourselves" (😂) so we repositioned in a better spot and found our groove again. the rest of that night was fun as shit and liquids first set merked us in the best way. he always talks at the end of his sets and it's one of my favorite parts. and he said something along the lines of "how was your first day at wakaan? these grounds humble you and make you reevaluate yourself and challenge yourself and feel uncomfortable. it's good to feel uncomfortable because it pushes us to new breakthroughs of self" and i felt my goosebumps rise. how does this man know exactly what the hell we're experiencing out here from up there?!?!! like wtf!!!!! so cool. so crazy.

night 1: the afters were fun and funky and we had another fam sleepover and talked about all the fun endeavors from the day ate some food and snacks and listened to jams.

day 2: we were yet again bitchslapped by mother sun and were all dying a bit and fighting the inner demons to get moving. me jake and allie took a shower in the shower trailers and searched for new life in the waters 😂 we then got lemonades for the crew, went back to camp changed real quick, ran in for a cannabliss set in the shade and then came back. we got back and reset, gage and i went on a walk to reconnect since we hadn't had time to ourselves we went back to camp cleaned up changed clothes reset and went back in. we weren't gonna get screwed like the day before so we found a good spot and set up our chillbos to where we wouldn't get walked through. then we had the night of our lives. i won't be able to share the details because they were too surreal and magical to retype out, but we know what happened that night and it's something i'll never forget. i connected to my best friend and my deepest love in a way i'll never be able to describe. all my recruiting and hard work and pushing and tears all came to a zithead of fruition and it felt soooo good to finally release. i felt them and the music lift me up and me carry them with me. we rocked out to jantsen, champagne drip, peekaboo, reset during lsdream and inzo, then went in for griz's last set we might get to see for awhile.

night 2: then we took a pause and went back to camp before the afters where we all felt a little beat till biski showed up and said it was a full moon and the energy was wild and then everyone on the campgrounds started howling at the moon. what the hell😂 shit was crazy and we felt a spark of new energy and went to the afters and raged till 630 am and all came back for yet another fam sleepover where we all stayed up so late we went to bed in daylight.

day 3: we woke up ate breakfast struggled a bit then we met up with allie's friends at the other campsite who i happened to know from a float trip a few years back. then we all shmoozed together in their campsite, met their friends, talked a lot about the scene and how cool it is, the differences in festivals and artist fans, etc. then we made a plan with them to spend the evening together, headed back got ready and headed back in. we were 40 minutes behind schedule so we thought our friends already went in but it just so happens like always it was perfect timing. so we linked and then talked about a spot, the three of us walked in and set up. we caught tape b's set and started off hot then all kinda fell into another funk we had to break out of. we pulled ourselves together to try to look for the other group but we needed a breather so we walked back to camp to reset again. we ended up just going on a fat long walk and walked around till the music picked up again. then we went back in, ended up sitting in the chillbos for dr. fresch and barclay crenshaw then went back to camp cause we had time to kill, ate dinner smoked some weed releveled then went back in to find them. the energy was high going back in. we trekked to the front, found our friends, but it was way too hot and steamy up there so we fell back again and found a perfect spot. and when i say perfect, i mean magically perfect. we had this little bubble right in front of this group and right as we pulled up the girl behind us (bee) pointed to us and was like "hell yeah". we all felt the energy and bumped around to jade cicada prepping for liquid's final set. inbetween the music the cuties behind us (sam and bee) befriended us and ended up rave adopting us into their family the rest of the night. liquid came on, all of us fell into the groove, danced our asses off, connected, cried, laughed, and were present. we took shitty videos of everything around us cause we wanted to remember that moment. we were standing on the stool our new friends behind us had and watching the waves of the crowd. the fire coming from the stage was reaching into the clouds. the set was absolutely incredible. fireworks went off behind us as it came to a close. and then my favorite part; liquids closing speech. he said something along the lines of "i hope you all got the most out of this experience and really take what you learned here and carry it on. these grounds make you see the best and worst sides of yourself and face them to become a better person and ultimately raise your vibration in the world. don't forget what happened to you here so we can all keep raising the earths vibrations together." and he said that as i was standing on the stool holding both of my most loved ones in each of my arms, new friends behind me, hope for the future in front of me and fireworks and lights all around me. truly, magic.

night 3: liquids set ended and our new friends invited us to come hang at "their spot." which we had no idea what we were in for but holy hell thank god we went. sam led us while the rest of the group gathered their stuff and met us at the afters stage. we talked about how cool it was to meet and how festivals always bring you someone who you can hold onto for life and we met them just in the nick of time. shit is so cool i can't get over it. we get to the afters stage, start to set up, and sam has this hammock that's fuzzy and can hold up to 1000 pounds so he made all 3 of us sit in it. from there they just kept showering us with love and cool experiences. one of their friends had a crazy stained glass kaleidoscope that worked differently on each side. allie hung out with our new friends in the hammock while gage and i got to sit in the chillbo and share a moment of reflection on the whole weekend together. just sitting there holding each other watching this crazy fun exciting world right in front of us. it was a movie moment i'll replay in my mind forever. we finished out the night all dancing our booties off and connecting and sharing love exchanging phone numbers and making more plans to see each other soon. and guess what. they're coming to colorado in 3 weeks for wakaan rocks. like can it get anymore insane. allie and i took a bathroom walk where we hugged each other and thanked each other for sharing this experience and promised to remember what we learned and keep riding the wave. she said "i get it now gianna." and i'll never be able to explain that moment to her. my whole world falling into place just like a year ago i fucking knew it would. i didn't know to what extreme at the time, but i did in this moment. we finished the night just the 3 of us and were finally all at ease since our weekend was coming to a close and absolutely zonked. we had no where to be so no rush to wake up.

morning 4: we all woke up in peace and in no hurry. we packed our stuff, met up with allie's friends and everything fell right into place. jake decided to go with the other group on the way back and we all had a way home. we had space in our car and took our last bong rips and gave our last hugs and took our last pictures. we packed into our 3 cars and headed home. gage, allie, keegan, jacey, and i all went to ihop for one last breakfast chow down. we smashed our plates and smoked one last joint in the parking lot. we talked over breakfast about how much this experience changed all of us, about functioning adult relationships and how they look different, about wanting to dive deeper into this scene and make a living off of it, how we all have functioning ADHD and the struggles of it, etc. we talked about how intimate conversations and friendships surpass anything surface level now. we want more out of life. we want something deeper. we gave our final hugs and kisses and shed our final tears, but it was happy tears this time knowing we'll be reunited again sooner vs. later. it's so cool to rest in that space of peace knowing it will work out again.

night 4: gage and i went to the store got everything we needed to post up in the hotel room, spent the night together and reflected on everything. we ordered food to the room watched movies and loved on each other. i texted my people and thanked them for this experience they shared with me and what it meant to me. dropped us all in a group message to stay further connected. everything flowed exactly how it was supposed to and the world gave us our quiet moment that we needed before we headed back into this crazy life again. we woke up and headed home and made it home safely around 1am.

day 5: we unpacked, reset, and unwinded yesterday. i really feel like in the quiet of the drive i was able to settle with my takeaways from this past week. the song runnin down a dream came on and i started crying listening to the lyrics i've heard a million times but really fucking hit right this time. "running down a dream never would've came to me. workin on a mystery going wherever it leads yeah running down a dream." that's me right now baby. i feel so inspired and so intentional about where i am at in my life right now. i know i need to be in colorado for longer than i planned and that's okay. i need to cultivate the love and life i have in front of me right now and ride it till it takes me elsewhere. im going to start reworking my business to work in a way that suits me better. i want to do vivids haircuts and festival braiding so im going to fucking chase that. start barber school in january then move on from there. i want to start a life with gage here and build it till we want to move on. i want to spend time with my roommate who i need just as badly as she needs me right now. i want to grow my relationship with my little brother in his time and path of growth and be there as a bumper for him. i want to be a backboard for my family and all that my parents are going through- separately and together. i want to start to be healthier. quit vaping for real this time. start being more active and eat better. nurture my vessel to its best state. i want to be there for my long distance besties in a way i'm supporting myself and able to them. i want to connect with my work wife and her family and spend the years i can with them. i don't know what mystery i'm running down but we're going for it.

and speaking of running, i've been running and hiding from these things that have been so blantantly in front of me. i've been dodging the realizations i've had unintiontionally- but after awhile, it becomes intentional right? living like this has nearly brought me to my knees countless times crying out asking myself what am i doing. but now i'm free from the chains of my exhaustive existence and i can really stop and breath and soak up all the beauty and things around me. stop and smell the roses if you will- but literally i do now.

i find every opportunity the universe gives me to be present and i'm basking in it. i look for any glimmer of hope and i'm holding it in my hands.

i thank whatever is bigger than me everyday and i remember when i feel small- that i'm bigger than something. and there's bigger meaning to all of this.

so the purpose of this post? to remember these moments, channel this love and this vibration into my everyday. to pass some onto you, dear reader if you've made it this far.

tell your people who've stuck it out with you during those growing pains that you love them.

try something new.

write good news down.

remember your coworkers coffee order.

stop and smell the roses- literally and figuratively.

give an extra hug to your loved ones even when they're on your nerves.

push for intimate moments with your people even if they resist- it's worth it.

life is fast- unfair, painful.

but when you take a second to stop running from yourself and all the bullshit around you- it's really the most beautiful thing. experiencing magic? is that what you'd call it? the most beautiful everything- that's what i'm calling it. cause i just haven't quite come up with a word for it yet. so for now we'll roll with that.

if you've read this far, thank you for your time. thank you for the impact you've probably made on me. this past year has been a whirlwind and i'm coming up to my birthday at the end of this month feeling so steadfast in who i am. i will be making another post about my feelings on 25 come that time. but for now, i'm gonna kick my feet up and fall into this crazy trip of a life. and ride the waves till my feet fall off.

cheers.

with love,

G

i attached some pics of my endeavors below. look thru if you please :) they're a time log for me tho

me gage and kyle leaving wakaan '22

me in hawaii '22

hawaii friends '22

allie's hawaiian bday '22

last day in hawaii on a $20 boat ride where i almost cancelled my trip home

me coming home from hawaii and finding a therapist

finding myself again

new year new us

the hawaiian friend i didn't ask for but surely needed. the infamous trejo.

back piece in the works. about 3/4 done.

my cutie salon once i found my flow

the hawaii boys that gave me a life lesson without knowing it.

the trip to the trees that grounded me

the bestie that stumbled into my life and is never going away

my role model @lyndadidit at her class in vegas that reinspired my love for hair.

last camping trip as "just friends" lmao!!! we hadn't told each other we had feelings yet

the infamous BISKI! mom and dad love.

vegas pool party. all the vibes.

the moment i recruited allie

leaving my bestie but happy tears cause we know we'll see each other soon

peek-a-boo 🤭

ganja crew + meeting kyle.

me and gagey at ganja officially together may 2023

bestie boy rivvy 🩷

my career switch announcement

me riding the waves and losing my vision a bit trying to get a grip

first hike in over a year , rerooting to nature and mountain friends.

electric forest. jake gage and kyle, me and julia. forest 2023

me in peak joy :)

it's always been you right in front of me just took me till now to realize. look how far we've come. from 2 years prior to now it'd been a long road. cheers baby

me kyle and gage getting food right before the last nights final sets. big shmooze vibes.

family are the people you choose. these are mine.

a night to remember. seeing ZD that close was incredible. i'll hold onto this one.

high school bestie reunited at the rocks

OG rave dad and bestie

virginia with my lover

flying home high on life

my dad and grandma 🩷

me & my grandma

first day new job

friends engagement party wook style

andromeda 🩷

camping trip with gages brother

waterworld with vicholas- the time of our lives.

a rare sighting of wooks dresssed up for vic's bday

early mornings with u <3

my stinks with me thru it all

my mom & bro 🩷

mom and dads day 1

me and twinny day 1

me living my best life wakaaan 2023

my forever and my soul sister & our wook fam in the fuzzy hammocks

the last group pic 🩷 jacey keegan allie me gage biski

my mf person. we're locked in and synced up- watch out

bye wakaan, you'll always have a piece of us

till next year... only 360 more days

"yeah i'm running down a dream, that never would come to come. working on a mystery. going wherever it leads .. runnin down a dream."

we got a group pic and all made it home. perfect close to a perfect week.

thank you for those who took this time to share this piece of me with me. this blog is really serving its purpose 🩷 this is very vulnerable for me but i'm reminding myself that's the point. time to go deeper and ride this crazy trip of life. till next time 🩷🩷🌱🌱