25.

holy hell. i'm writing this the morning of my twenty-fifth and golden birthday. today has been jam packed with just about every emotion under the sun. i have so many words for what this year and what today has meant to me... so many worlds that it's left me almost speechless.

this past year was the most challenging, difficult, pressurized, gut wrenching, and liberating year of my life. when i look back at the last 365 days, i've faced more adversity and chaos and life altering events than any year before combined. i lost myself and found myself this year. i broke into a million pieces, but i rebuilt. i found a new level of self confidence i never could've fathomed. i lost friends, but i gained new ones. i realized i'm an emotional person and that it's actually a superpower to be one. i started a business and now i'm running it. i started a new career path and now i'm going back to school in january to get another license. i found and fell in love with my very best friend. i moved out of my hometown for the first real time as an adult. i got my first credit card. i saw so many captivating live music events i've lost count. i grew up this year. i cried a lot this year. i learned that letting go is the only real way to let it all flow. i sturdified my relationship with my god. i travelled to see loved ones. i started therapy again. i found what was important this year-- the people around you and the time in front of you.

i'm not usually one for numbers meaning a whole lot but ever since i was a kid my dad used to tease "well you're only in the first quarter of life kid you got time don't worry." i've thought about that a lot. he used to say that to reassure me that i didn't need to stress about the future or worry for what was to come next. i remember him saying that when i was tweaking out about needing to know my major when i was like a senior in high school and he laughed and was like "kid you got so much time you don't even know." i've teased my friends as they've crossed the 26 line that they're "entering the second quarter now" "oh no you're finally old". but i've also always been the person to correct my friends when they say they're old at 27. i've always been bothered by young people who complain that they're old- because in my mind, if we were to die, right, everyone would say we were young. so i've always tried to hold onto the mentality that age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel or act. i can think of a lot of adults who carry this mentality that i look up to. my dad being one of them- never caring about his age and always acting like a big kid.

that being said, i guess i didn't really realize how much weight i had subconsciously put onto this birthday. also it being my golden birthday i have felt the nonexistent pressure to do something fun and make it a thing yano. i'll spare the details of last year but my birthday celebration last year was booty cakes and so i was trying to make this year feel better and easier for myself. if you know me, you KNOW i'm a birthday bitch. i've always said your birthday is the one day every year you can force the people you love to show up and do whatever you want. i had a hard time figuring out what to do this year. my roommate asked me what about this what about that and i said "it'll come to me. but everytime i try to make it fancy / too planned i hate it and don't have a good time."

if you made it through my last blog, you know the impact wakaan left on me and the overwhelming emotional rollercoaster i've been on lately. my whole thing has been when you let go, everything comes. i've been gasping for air inbetween my happy sobs at life lately. it's fucking crazy and i can't wait to keep riding this wave. anyways, well the sweet friends we happen to meet the last night just so happen to be coming out for wakaan rocks which just so happen to be this past weekend. liquid stranger just so happened to be coming to red rocks the weekend before my birthday and we just so happen to already have our tickets.

there it was- a bday party designed by the universe served on a silver platter right to me. okay dope i'll take it. call the troops let's get a party bus and an airbnb and just show up and be present.

that's exactly what happened.

from start to finish everything i planned for my birthday celebrations came through to a crisp fruition i could've never anticipated. all the right people in the right place at the right time. i'll try my best to bullet point but we all know by now short stories aren't really my thing.

friday night sam & bee get in and it's a happy reunion. kyle gets to gages and it's a happy reunion there.

saturday morning: it's on!!!! we all linked up packed and ran errands pre airbnb. i had such a fun morning just riding the energy of everyone and we got some fun gifts from a smoke shop nearby and went to the airbnb and got there with about an hour to spare. walking in it's perfect- PERFECT! perfect amount of rooms, beds, space, a deck, hot tub, lights, bunk beds, etc. something so small but i noticed- yano- stop and smell the roses people.

saturday afternoon: we all barely made it on time and loaded on the party bus. i've never had a party bus to celebrate myself let alone ever thought i'd ever have enough friends to fill one. for me, it was a surreal moment i wouldn't be able to explain with words. yes, there was some chaos and the bluetooth system didn't work till 10 min before we got there but functional dysfunction must be in my life bio at this point. we all hop off and get in line together. idk how long we waited but tbh i've never had as much fun in line as i did that day. so many different walks of life in one place walking into the one and only consistent place i've ever had.

saturday night; liquid cannabliss, ravenscoon, tvboo, and liquid stranger absolutely murdered it. so many emotions were released during the set for me. i think for me that's why i love edm. it's an emotional release in a safe place surrounded with people i love. liquid stranger preaches a lot about expanding your mind and pushing your limits and boundaries in healthy ways. he talks about raising the vibration together and finding community within each other. i knew i loved him before but after that set, a part of my soul belongs to him now. i have such admiration for the environment he creates and the love he can produce through literal weird noises and sounds. your mind is captivated by the beauty of production and motivated to be better. it's a sick power that man has and i'm never going to get enough of it. i'll spare some details but all portions of our group were finding our bearings when liquid daddy finally came out. i could feel him literally pick up the energy through the crowd and lift it high above us and shake out all the shit. when i tell you it's a captivating feeling to be in a crowd and experience such intense emotions without words and come out on the other side feeling like you just went through a mental war is something you can't explain. but i'm fucking grateful for it and people like him do it so well. he closed the set with a

his Revolution remix and i wish i could encapsulate the sheer rawness in the crowd in that moment. theres so much shit going on right now in so many places with so many different people and he started to do the thing he always does and give us all a closing speech about starting a revolution together. and if youre paying attention to anything that ive been posting or whats going on in the world, this was a really intense and vulnerable moment to start talking to a crowd of people on psychadelics. then red rocks fucking cut him off. i cannot express the disgust and anger that boiled out of me. i watched him walk around aimlessly and try to plug back in somehow to finish his speech but he never got to. it really fucked with me honestly and ill circle back to that here shortly.

saturday afers: we all get on the dysfunctional bus home and i couldn't help but giggle at all the ups and downs from the night and looking around at all these people who have partook in my past year. some new, some really new, some old, and some really old friends all one one shitty bus with no music again. then cam just so happen to have his speaker and start playing music that way. it was kind of a weird similie for me- functional dysfunctional chaos within myself, my people, this life, and then literally in front of me too with the night, the sets, and the bus. we all got home safe and spent the rest of the night talking and connecting. it was like i curated my own afterparty festival. we all had snacks, blankies, and hung out on the porch under the stars listening to music. as people started getting tired we ended up throwing on Pocohantas by cams request. it was kind of an accident but it ended up fitting all of our needs perfectly. if you havent watched that movie as an adult again, i highly suggest doing so. the movie is honestly fucked up in a beautiful way but its very emotional. i felt like i related it to things happening right now, still, today and it was hard to watch. theres a part shes saying she doesnt think her voice matters and it wont change anything. but the mother willow and spirits encourage her that it might change everything. if you know the story, she saves humanity by using her voice and her dad has a point of saying "im so proud of the person you are and for your courage and bravery." i couldnt help but melt into a puddle of tears feeling like i relate right now in soooooo many ways. i started down a rabbit hole of how things dont happen by chance and how this movie played by divine intervention to encourage me to use my voice. after everyone went to bed gage and i sneaked into the hot tub and soaked up the night. i was laying there in the hot tub looking up at the stars and just feeling overwhelmingly grateful. i listened to what was around me and felt what was touching me and i had a little tweak out because i thought to myself "how lucky am i to be sitting here with all of this around me. what if those planes and cars were bombs and this water around me was blood." i started to cry and didn't really know how to explain why. gage hugged me and we talked about how what's going on in the world has been really affecting me and how i feel so privelaged to have this life.

sunday: i quite literally didn't sleep, my mind was racing after the evening and all that i was feeling. gage and i talked until sunrise about so much- so much weight and so many good things too. once he fell asleep, vic had woken up so i met her outside for a little morning debrief. that conversation is one i'll always cherish. we talked about everything i've learned this year what she's learned this year, what we're feeling going into this next chapter of adulthood, our personal hardships, our goals, and just where we were at. we both cried, laughed, hugged, and thanked each other for the position we hold on each others life. that's a cool fucking thing to have a friend that can talk about shit like that. we woke up all of our sleepy lil angels, cleaned, and all checked out of the airbnb. i had so many great conversations inbetween check in & check out that ill always hold close to my heart. we left and went to my house to shower and reset. then i brought all of my people to one of my childhood staples- CINZZETTIS. if you live in colorado and havent been here, slap yourself on the wrist and make a reservation stat. anyways we all caravaned and recapped the night along the way. more friends from different walks of life joined me around a familiar table for some good ole italian food. my dad has delivered to this place since before i was born and ive delivered there too when i worked for him. weve spent countless easters there, family celebrations, birthdays, etc. so the fact none of my friends had been there had been an overdue obligation of mine i needed to fufill. i had no idea how much joy that little lunch would give me. bringing people together in one place over a meal is sooo underrated. everyone got different plates and it was funny for me to listen to my friends compare food notes and say things like "where'd you get that omg i must've missed that whole corner i'm going to have to go back." like how cute and pure. my best friend susette brought her kiddo who i love so dearly, my cosmetology school bestie came, and all my wooks around one table. full stomachs, full hearts. we walked out and i shed a few tears just feeling all the love around me. getting people in one place as adults is HARD. there were definitely faces missing this year, but present in spirit. one day one year alllll my people will be in one place- i dream of that day often. we all left lunch and skirted back to my house to hang and watch tv. i had ordered a cake that ended up falling thru, so vicholas went on a man hunt and ended up decorating a cake for me just to still have one. :') we all sang and i blew out my candles, but i really didn't have a wish this year. so i wished for all of us to be in the same place next year again. and the more i think about it the more that's all i can really ask for.

i went to work monday morning and drove kyle back up north with me. him & i got into a pretty thick life convo similar to vic & i's but way different. kyles moving out of the country next week so this was our last 1on1 heart to heart we may have for a long time. we talked about how i feel like i really am going into a new chapter, a new quarter of life, a new start. i encouraged him to do the same, fall into it, let go and it'll all come. he said at one point "wow you're really good at this life stuff" and i laughed and said "no kyle, i've just had to forceably learn these things with no choice. now i just have perspective to be able to see it happening in people around me sooner." he also said "i knew you were like this, but i didn't realize you were like THIS!" (😂😂) i laughed because i think this was the year i realized i was like this too. && i think everyone in my immediate life realized this about me this year too.

i worked monday and tuesday and i had some hardships at work. i had an unhappy client (really long story) and ended up losing her through the situation. it ended peacefully and she relayed that this was nothing personal she just felt like she needed to go a different direction for herself and her comfortability. that was hard. i am a person who really loves my clients, i'm proud of my work, i try really hard to let my clients leave feeling better than worse. this situation was layered in a lot of ways but i had to come to the realization that this is better for both of us. i had lost my confidence with this situation and there wasn't going to be a way to gain it back- or for both of us to feel content. i talked to my therapist about it and kind of processed that this happens to people no matter where they're at in their career. things happen, outcomes don't always come to fruition, people will be unhappy sometimes. there was nothing else i could do but let go. that was a good release in a way. to realize that i still have so much more to learn and gain- but in a good way. i've come so far and i know so much and now i have the confidence to be honest and problem solve. that client and i will still be friends and i will still be in contact with her- i just won't be her stylist anymore and that's okay!!! it was weird timing for this to happen because i have felt so motivated to make some big changes career wise and felt like i've been doing so well to have this happen. it really bothered me and it will continue to in a way. but i think it reminded me that we all fuck up sometimes. things happen and clients forgive. in a weird way, it made my motivation jump up even higher- it just took a few days.

my therapy session on tuesday really couldn't have come at better timing. i had so much to tell her just from all the events that happened, the ah-ha moments i had had this past week, and just talking out loud to conclude this quarter of my life. ironically she's one of the only people who has seen my whole journey this past year with all the dirty details. i've always been pro-therapy because i think it's a safe space to just air out your thoughts. we talked about how much i have overcome this year and she acknowledged how difficult of a year it was for someone at my age to deal with yet come out on top of. she told me she was proud of me and acknowledged and validated all that i was feeling. sometimes that's all you really need- someone to acknowledge it all and say they're proud of you.

i think she knows the most about my past year A) because shes my therapist but B) because i've really compartmentalized who i tell what to. do you know what i mean? like i hadn't told 1 person everything except for her. when i trace back as to why, i think it's because i haven't wanted to burden anyone or i haven't had space with my usual people to be able to do so. whether that was health reasons, distance reasons, spacial reasons, or timing reasons. i didn't really have 1 outlet at earlier points of this year. however so much has changed and it was cool to sit there and cry to her about how many people i feel around me. how i built a community around me i've so yearned for. how i feel fucking locked in with every corner of my circle i've needed so badly this year. from my family, to my best friends, to my partner, to my sibling, to everyone inbetween. i couldn't help but sob looking at all the work i've put in this last year to feel these moments. these overwhelming zit pops of moments where i can't help but to explode with sheer joy looking at my loved ones next to me and feel connected to them in a whole new way. i talked about how much it's taken from me in moments to get a breakthrough with my people. to get them fucking feel THROUGH this shit- with me, together. to root into each other and bear down and walk into this next phase of life. i think we all feel that but to do it is another ride of it's own. emotions are fucking hard. and i think what i've realized most this year is you can only run around them for so long before they turn into a whirlpool and suck you in. your orbit affects the people around you and how you choose to deal with your emotions is your choice and your choice only- but it DOES affect others around you.

I, personally, have had to come to the brick wall of truth that i am ahead of the game when it comes to going through, recognizing, processing, and communicating my emotions. i'm good at it and it's a gift of mine. i've realized it's my gravitational pull that all my people love about me. that i can connect with them and pay attention to them. i can recognize what's going on emotionally within me and within them and what's between us. doesn't mean i'm always right but i do know my people really fucking well. and i've had to learn that i can't make them realize what i see- we all have to go through our own things on our own and learn our own battles. the only thing i can do is be alongside and love them along the way. i've realized i have gained this perspective not by choice. and i talked to my therapist about "why do i feel so young yet feel so old." and she told me "it's because you've faced a lot of things people your age haven't had to." in a way, this was really hard to hear. but when i look back at my last 25 years of my life and all the shit and adversity i've had to face- it makes sense. i've had to forceably learn how to recognize my emotions, face things and learn how to communicate from them. i've been really fortunate to have therapy in younger years of my life to teach me and guide me through things and learn how to recognize these things. i think my greatest gift is my empathy and my ability to connect to people. it's why i do hair. to connect with people in an intimate way. all this being said it's been surreal to have all of my people sync in and lock up with me in the ways I NEEDED right before this birthday. right before this monumental time period in my life where i feel like im accelerating and hurdling into the unknown of adulthood. and it's fucking sick. i feel the power around me, guiding me, aiding me.

then my therapist asked me "is there anything you feel like you need to conclude this quarter of your life as you put it?" well, yeah actually there was. my dinner with my family scheduled on my actual birthday. my family has a long history just like any other family. ours is topsy turvy crazy and chaotic. it's had ups and downs and dark days and bright days. but it's been a very very long time since my family has been able to sit at one table. my parents are divorced, my dads remarried, and my brother and i are still very close to all parties but we've all had our rides with each other. there's so much i could say about the anticipation of this dinner and all the feelings i had leading up to it. ill keep my family tea to our tea party of 5 however this was a HUGE deal to me. i talked with my therapist about how, again, all i asked for was for my people to show up and be present. my heart could barely wait for this.

then i woke up on wednesday- my actual birthday. i woke up next to my lover and went downstairs for a morning smoke sesh with my roomie. the only real plan i had this day was to eat dinner with my family. my brother came over and we all hung out, ate a lil breakfast, and ran some errands together before heading up to fort collins. this whole day, everything was so sentimental. i've reminded myself to stop and smell the roses and there were so many gardens that day. from old friends texting me, to catching family members phone calls at the right moment, to everything working out just how it shouldve, to transformative talks with my loved ones. i fucking felt the love that day. pulling up to dinner i saw my mom, dad, and step-mom all saying hi to each other in the parking lot and giving hugs before we even got out of the car. tears are coming to my eyes as i even write this right now... because if anyones been through a divorce, to see all 3 of your parents embracing each other was something i had never seen before. we got out, i introduced my roomie to my parents for the first time, they hugged gage as my partner for the first time, and we all walked into a restaurant under one party for the first time. the chills on my body right now-- wowwwwza! we all sat down and the entire dinner was just a surreal snow-globe magic moment. i wish i could've encapsulated it forever- but in a way it always will be. we laughed, joked, told funny stories, remembered good times, talked about my growth over this last year, and we all just basked in the moment. we were present. i hadn't seen my parents laugh with each other in a long time. i hadn't seen them smile at each other in a long time. my step-mom and my mom giggled and exchanged love. vic, my brother, and gage and i all got to spend time as one unit with my parents. all of it was too much in the best way.

we ate dinner and dessert and then my parents had me open gifts even though i said don't get any- lol. i'll spare the rest of the fun things but they each got me something sentimental i'll never forget. my dad got me an authentic Berry Bonds jersey. the weight of what this holds would be too much to explain but overall it was a representation of all the work i've put in and all of the memories between him & i in the last 25 years. he used to be my favorite player when i was little because he was #25 like my birthday and he always hit home-runs. softball has always been a way for me to connect to my dad and always will be a way for me to connect to him. and for it to be on my 25th birthday, it was a gift i would've never had the pre-notion to even ask for it. my mom got me a bunch of gifts that i will use on a daily basis as she always does. shes gotten so good at knowing my style. BUT the gift from her this year, was her gift of words. she gave me the most beautifully written card i think i've ever received. the words were so on point and so moving for me and where i as an individual am at, as well as where her and i's relationship stands. both of these things i will hold onto forever and ever. at the end of my dinner, i sat next to my dad to take a photo with the jersey and just looked down at my table and started bawling. i think it was a ripple affect because we all shed tears together. it was a really beautiful moment for me and i caught myself feeling it and just absorbed it. stopped and smelled the roses yano. tears flowing and my dads arms around me i just looked at my people and said a prayer up to say thank you. i never thought this day would come honestly. to have my family around one table, my partner there too, and my best-friend?? what a blessing. what a fucking blessing. if that's the last time that ever happens, i will hold onto every second in my memory forever.

as i'm writing this now, it's about a week later and i've been able to absorb all that's happened. i celebrated my brothers birthday this weekend, we've always had fun going back to back weekends with each other and it's crazy that he's now 22 years old. my little brother and i have gotten so big! now i've have had a few days off to reset and soak it all in. my life is truly a gift and i'm in constant awe of the good around me. but i think what was also prevalent to me this year is how privileged i am to experience these things. how privileged i am to be able to celebrate my birthday this year in a seemingly safe country with no fear of tomorrow. my heart hurts for the Palestinian people and it's made this birthday very bittersweet. regardless of what you now, what you believe on this topic, what you feel, the killing of innocent humans and the idea of humanity has been lost. using your voice is important. educating yourself is important. talking about hard topics is important. being aware of the privileges we have is important. being uncomfortable sometimes is important. and if theres one thing i really want to embody this next year is living with the privilege of every moment, of everyday. to hug my loved ones every time like it's my last. to bask in every warm moment life has to offer me. to take every opportunity by the throat. to use my voice. to have the hard talks. to push through these hard chapters and lean on the people around me. to bear down and dive deeper into this life. to stop and smell the roses as often as i can.

as i conclude this chapter of my life and open a new one, i have so much to look back on and be thankful for. i have so much to look forward to and work towards. i have a life worth loving and a spirit worth sharing. i love who i am and i think this is the most confident i've ever felt. i couldn't be more proud of the woman i'm becoming. i hope to continue to nurture the inner child in me and keep life light. so cheers, to this next quarter of my life. may it bring all the greatest waves and deepest love.

#25.